re-living the past

Last weekend I did my 'weekly calls' to my parents.. just to catch up and let them know that I am fine..

Everything was okay until my dad told me something I never expected to hear

'Your brother have been very lazy lately, maybe you should advise and encourage him to study harder.... He didn't do too well in his last exam (he got No. 30 in the entire standard which is a drop of 15 runks from last year's results)..... I asked him for his report card repeatedly but he kept telling me that he hasn't got it.. Later, when your mummy asked him, he told her that he signed the card himself and returned it already.'

I was really really shocked to hear that..

Shocked not because I didn't expect my brother to be dishonest

Shocked because I did exactly the same thing 13 years ago..

It is very difficult for my father to understand why a 10 year old will do such a thing..

It is very difficult for me to understand as well..

I didn't know what to tell my dad.. what was more disappointing to me was that my dad don't remember me ever being like that..

He remembers me as being a difficult kid to raise but he doesn't remember me hiding exam papers from him.. changing my marks.. copying his signature to satisfy the demands of my teachers for a signed exam paper indicating my parents' knowledge of my marks and so on..

At least my brother only had 1 paper to alter, I had numerous

I remember most clearly the Maths paper I got 95% which I hid and lied about.. My mum found it in my art file while I was bathing one evening.. she rushed out to the shop and got a cane immediately..

It wasn't that I was being naughty or that I enjoyed lying.. My father demanded nothing less than 100% for Maths because to him it was either you know it or you didn't.. he doesn't tolerate silly mistakes..

It is very painful to remember such things..

The hurt and guilt I go through month after month hiding exam papers from them, not knowing when they'll find them..

Knowing that if my mum happens to stumble across my 'hiding corner' they would cane and hate me for god knows how long..

I lived like that for almost 7 years..

I became depressed.. I became suicidal.. but that is my story.. it doesn't mean so much anymore because I am now in a different place with someone I trust and love unconditionally..

What I am more concerned about is my brother.. I do not want him to fall into the same trap..

7 years to live in total darkness without trusting any love or care is very very very very long..

I remember once when I was 13 I asked a friend - what do you think it feels like to faint?

It seems rather childish but that was the way I wanted to feel.. I wanted to feel as if I didn't exist, as if I didn't know anything, like the world was dark and nothing else was there.. I wanted to forget and evaporate into thin air..

I wanted to be in a coma forever..

I always felt like my brother would be luckier, that he is wanted, unlike me, I never felt like I was wanted, I was always the burden they had to carry..

I didn't tell my dad all of that last week, but I did tell him half my story.. because, as much as he had caused me pain, I am sure telling him everything would cause him more pain than necessary..

My only hope is that he remembers and not make the same mistake with my brother..

I know he tries to be a good father, he tries to over-provide but he is asking too much from us too early on.. I don't blame him, his own father was probably very hard on him too..

But sometimes I wish I didn't have to live with a nightmarish childhood like that, a nightmare my parents were oblivious to, a nightmare that is going to take me a lifetime to mend